So tonight my girl and I had a blow up argument. I want to be treated kindly and apparently she thinks it's ok to be bitchy to me for days on end.
Of course there is a bigger story here, but I'm at one of those points where I'm really questioning my relationship.
We've spent so many years together building a great life, but as I've had some recent time away from her, it's made me realize how much better I feel on my own at times.
Relationships, no matter how good, eventually come to wear both parties down. As someone who would love to have his relationship continue, how much further should one go when the sex is mediocre and one party seems to want to argue all the time.
I've given up being right in the argument, and just want to resolve things. But all that has come to an end. It's just not worth spending any energy whatsoever to even talk. Have you been there?
A mental endpoint where I'm just done. Really done. Tired of being treated like I don't exist in our relationship.
So do I break up? Try to mend the relationship once again (only to deal with it at a later date)? Ignore it and bumble through the tough days?
These are all questions we have to face at some point in our life.
For me it comes down to a sense of freedom.
Free to truly make your own decisions and do really whatever you want to do daily. Single people often forget this is the biggest benefit to being alone. You don't need to entertain. You don't need to disagree. You just go. No wasting time. Just living life.
When you choose a partner, on some level, you are choosing bondage (and not the fun kind).
Of course we were all raised with the romantic notion of marriage and kids, of which, I can assure you, I want neither.
Another lover may help ease one out of a relationship, or put a band aid on the parts that are missing.
Eventually though, that relationship grows old too.
In sex and love, we're always chasing the dragon.
The evening ended with me trying to keep her off of me. She could tell I didn't care anymore, the argument had peaked with so much power it broke free of the earth... her reaching aimlessly grasping to bring me back. I turned to her and stopped calmly saying, "please, let me go."
And she did.
We've been through this dance before. Hearts rekindle. We tell each other how much we love one another, and we move forward.
It's a good relationship, better than most.
But, as has been stated before... "Is this is good as it gets?"
Is this the best a relationship can be?
Are there couples out there that continued to match one another for years, sexually, emotionally, and intellectually?
I'm not sure I believe that at all anymore.
Or are we supposed to do what's "natural" and go from one lover to another throughout this lifetime.
This seems to feel right... but it also feel right to partner with someone for a lifetime.
It's so confusing. Life and love.
I'm not even sure what love truly is anymore. I know an inner love. I meditate and know an all knowing, everything is good love. I'm just not sure that I believe in a "true love" ideal anymore.
I think someone sold us that idea in our childhood. In fact, I know they did.
Rather, we seem to be put here to figure out our relationships by interacting and making changes based off decisions.
Love is so much a chemical reaction.
I often tell people that "within 3 blocks from here, there are 20 people who you could love deeply". No one ever disagrees. They know the secret truth, love is easier than we think.
So what do we do with the ones that we love where the issues seem to weigh down the joy of being together?
Tomorrows another day. We'll see what the morning brings.